


Hal Strider: World's Worst Roommate

by waitineedaname



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen, Humanstuck, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Sibling Fight In A Restaurant, all their other friends are there, but dave jake roxy rose and jade only have one or two background lines, which mostly involves putting one sibling in a headlock while they smack your ear, you know how it is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-18
Updated: 2019-02-18
Packaged: 2019-10-30 18:53:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17834210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/waitineedaname/pseuds/waitineedaname
Summary: Hal was up to something. He was acting too normal. Hal was never normal. Something was up.In which Dirk is fucked with, and Hal is the smug knife cat.





	Hal Strider: World's Worst Roommate

**Author's Note:**

> I've been wanting to write a fic involving Hal for a while, but I couldn't figure out how until my friend gave me this Very Good Idea and suddenly this was the only one out of my five homestuck WIPs to be finished
> 
> someone: you know, most twins get along  
> Hal: That's true, but have you met Dirk?

Hal was up to something. He was acting too normal. Hal was _never_ normal. Something was up.

Dirk stared at him from across the room, trying to decipher what he might’ve done. He couldn’t have hacked into his computer and retweeted Muppet porn again; he’d set up new firewalls yesterday and Hal was a good hacker, but he wasn’t that quick. They’d been within eyesight of each other for most of the day, so it was unlikely he’d sneaked into his room and hidden his stuff either. So what was it?

Apparently he’d been staring for too long because Hal sighed loudly and looked up from his laptop to fix him with the exaggerated look of exasperation he knew he reserved just for him. Fucker. “Look, I know I’m a gift on the eyes, but the staring is getting a little weird, bro.”

“What did you do?” Dirk asked, cutting to the chase.

“Should I pretend to not know what you’re asking and list off everything I did today, or just be straight up and tell you ‘nothing’? Let’s see, first I took a shower - which was cold, by the way, you wasted all the hot water boiling yourself like a lobster - and then I made breakfast-”

“That’s not what I mean and you know it.” Dirk narrowed his eyes. He knew Hal couldn’t see it behind his shades, but he also knew Hal knew exactly what he was doing. Hal’s own shades were propped on top of his head, so Dirk got the full effect of his over-the-top eyeroll.

“I didn’t do anything to you. Or your phone or your computer.” He added when he noticed Dirk getting ready to speak. “This might come as a shock, but my life does not revolve around you. Sorry bro, but you ain’t that important.”

Dirk was still suspicious, but he decided to drop it for the time being. “Whatever,” he said, standing up. “Do we still have any Fanta?”

“You know I don’t drink that stuff. It tastes like orange piss.” 

“Says the asshole that pours five hour energies in his coffee.” Hal just shrugged as if to say “guilty as charged” and Dirk shook his head, tired of his bullshit. He went to the kitchen and poured himself a glass of soda, and when he came back, Hal’s shades were back on his face. He got the distinct impression Hal was watching him as he took a sip, and he panicked for a split second. Did Hal actually piss in his drink? Was it poisoned? But it tasted normal, so he let himself relax minutely. Hal didn’t say a word.

It was only a few days before Dirk completely forgot about the weirdness. Things went back to normal. Hal played nightcore versions of My Little Pony songs at 2am. Dirk drank his orange soda and Hal concocted increasingly unhealthy caffeinated things for himself. They went to their jobs and classes and hung out with their friends. Dirk bonked into the furniture because Hal had moved it all slightly to the left to fuck with him. The usual.

It was a month before Dirk realized exactly what had happened.

He and Hal were out to dinner with their weird conglomeration of friends and family. Dirk always wondered how two unpleasant people to be around managed to have such a large social group, but he’d given up questioning it. Dirk had paused in the story he was telling his corner of the table to take a sip of his Fanta, and he immediately grimaced.

“Hey Dave, does this taste weird to you?” He asked, sliding his glass over. Dave looked suspicious, so he quickly added, “I’m not trying to fuck with you, I’m just making sure I’m not imagining things.”

Dave took a cautious sip, then shrugged. “Tastes like Fanta. Artificial and diabetes causing as always.”

“Really?” Dirk took another sip and shook his head. “I swear there’s something weird about it. It’s not spicy enough.”

Suddenly everyone was staring at him. He stared back at them, doing his best not to shift uncomfortably. “...What?”

“Dirk,” Jake said slowly, a few seats down, “Did you say your soda should be spicy?”

The realization of what had just happened hit Dirk like a bus, and something cold settled in his stomach. He looked over at Hal, whose face was a perfect recreation of the knife cat meme.

“How did you do it?” Dirk said, voice dangerously quiet. Hal had apparently never developed the part of his brain required for fear and continued to look smug.

“A drop of hot sauce in your soda. I slowly upped the dose until you were so used to it that you couldn’t even tell.”

There was a soft “holy shit” from Roxy’s direction further down the table. Dirk and Hal continued to stare each other down, then quick as a flash, Dirk was across the table and grabbing Hal. Hal shouted and squirmed, smacking at him, but the one thing Dirk could confidently say he was better at than Hal was wrestling, so they ended up half on the floor with Dirk holding Hal in a headlock and Hal pulling on his hair and smacking his ear.

“Son of a bitch!” Hal yelled, and Dirk knew they were causing a scene, but dammit, he was at least a little justified. 

“Boys!” A sharp voice said from above them, and they both froze. Standing above them with her hands on her hips, looking for all the world like a stern mother, was Jane. “Dirk, let go of your brother.”

“He-”

“Don’t you _dare_ say he started it, Strider, you’re a grown man.”

Dirk snapped his mouth shut and tensed, then slowly let go of Hal. Hal squirmed away as soon as he could and stuck out his tongue before he also got fixed with Jane’s razor shape gaze.

“Hal, apologize.”

There was a split second where he looked like he was going to fight it, but he seemed to know it wasn’t worth it, so he turned towards Dirk. “Dirk, I’m sorry.”

“Thank you.”

“Sorry you don’t have any taste.” Hal said with a shit eating grin and Dirk made a strangled noise in his throat.

“You piece of shit!” Dirk lunged for him again, and Hal hit his head on the table next to him trying to get away so fast. 

“Nope, get up!” Jane wasn’t even yelling, but somehow she managed to intimidate them both into submission. They both stood and Dirk would like to say he wasn’t cowering, but there was something about Jane Crocker’s fury that would make anyone feel like a scolded child. Or at least, it made him and Hal feel that way if the way Hal was slouching and pouting next to him said anything. “Hal, we’re switching seats.”

Hal opened his mouth to complain, thought better of it, and took Jane’s seat. She traded their cups and sat herself opposite Dirk, giving him a pointed look until he finally sat down. 

“I can’t believe he managed to condition me into thinking soda should be spicy.” Dirk grumbled, poking his straw in and out of his drink.

“I hate to say I’m impressed, but…” Rose shrugged and Dirk sent her a look. Apparently an ability to look like a smug cat ran in the family because the face she made was just as shit-eating as Hal’s. “Are you going to finish your story about the weirdos in that class you TA?”

It wasn’t worth it to keep causing a scene, so he reluctantly went back to the conversation he’d previously dropped. The rest of dinner passed in whatever semblance of normalcy their group could have, and Dirk somehow managed to avoid interacting with Hal until their plates were being cleared away. His eyes landed on the half empty bottle of hot sauce sitting next to the salt and pepper, and he grabbed it.

“Hey, Hal.” He said, and the moment Hal looked over at him, he tossed the bottle over. “I bet you won’t drink all of that.”

Hal made a face down at the bottle. “Just because _you’ve_ ruined your liver, doesn’t mean I have to. We don’t have to be twins internally too.”

Dirk bit back a comment on how technically it was Hal that had been ruining his liver for him, and he instead went for a weak point. “If you’re gonna be a coward about it…” He let himself trail off and managed to withhold a smirk when he saw Hal’s jaw stiffen. There was something of a staring contest between them, an interesting feat between two pairs of sunglasses, then Hal shrugged, suddenly a picture of casual.

“Anything for my second favorite brother.” Hal said. Dave started to pipe up and say _“You only have two-”_ but Hal had already untwisted the cap and was downing it all in one go.

Jade whispered “gross” a few seats away, and Hal slammed the now empty bottle on the table, wiping his mouth gently like he’d simply been taking a sip of water, not chugging pure Tapatio.

“Are we going yet or what?” Hal said, and the slightest bit of hoarseness in his voice sent a thrill of victory through Dirk. He wasn’t sure which one of them had won, but that was damn satisfying.

Now he just had to hope Hal didn’t try to get back at him again.

**Author's Note:**

> come talk to me about homestuck on tumblr @waitineedaname !!


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